I love being a Mamma! Some women want to grow up and lead fast paced powerful careers, some want to see the world, and some want to become President one day! I wanted to be a mom. Now understand that I am in no way trying to make it seem like you can't have both or all, but I'm merely stating that I always wanted to be a mom as the goal of my life.
Yes this is a parenting post!
From the moment the nurse placed that little baby in my arms to the 8 minutes of terrified silence she made her father and I endure before she let her first cry out. I knew I loved her. I thanked God for blessing me with the most wonderful, beautiful, kind, and tender-hearted little girl the world has ever known(EXTREMELY BIASED).
For two and a half years it was the easiest thing in the world to take care of her and love and nurture her. I was able to stay at home and devote all my time and attention to being the best mother I could be. Believe me I was! We did everything together I was there for every milestone. I alone taught her to walk and talk and there are so many endless memories I have of just the two of us sharing little moments that I will always cherish.
As time went on I really started to think about her future and the future of our family. I grew up with a sister and although our childhood wasn't that great it was still nice to have another person to share life with that understands things no one else can. My husband is an only child and while we didn't plan on Shelby I did plan for her sibling.
Shelby is a rainbow baby-- for those who don't know what that is it's what they call a baby born after a loss miscarriage or stillborn. I am blessed with two rainbow babies. I also had a miscarriage before I gave birth to her brother.
My Son Henry is every bit as sweet and gentle and wonderful as Shelby, but the real point to this post that I am finally getting to is that while I love both my children the same I have been struggling with juggling both. To the point where I have so much guilt and frustration for the loss of time with my daughter and sadness over how it feels like she is left out and not getting the same mother that she used to have. I know for a fact that I am more short tempered, I yell, I don't play as often. My son is 1 so I understand that he has different needs than my daughter, but I just don't like the parent I have morphed into with her and the daughter that she has started to become as a result of that. It has taken a while to realize that I can't be that same mother anymore because she just had one child. That helps with the guilt. Reminding myself that I am trying my best and to try harder helps with the sadness. She is happy well cared for and growing and thriving. I know try to measure my mothering successes by little pieces rather than big chunks. It is my hope and belief that the little pieces will add up. I have made sure that I hold on to the traditions that we started together such as reading bedtime stories to help keep the ties that bond strong between us. I am now thinking of doing little dates with her one and one to help because I know she is just desperate for mommy and Shelby time! So am I
It was deceptively easy the first time around. This time, this new family that we have takes a lot more work and a lot more patience and a lot more intention.
Have you had trouble adjusting to your growing family? If so how did you deal with it?
